Onethos Shorts
by onethos
Summary: A collection of all my short stories. Enjoy and Review. Rated to be Safe. Oh and I do not Own the HP universe. cause if I did I would inject something foriegn. Logic.
1. Logic With Charlie

It had been a week since he had faced down the dragon and got the second clue and still he had no idea how to solve it. He was currently sitting by the lake tring to figure it out. He would rather be inside but after the first few days everyone in Gryffindor had agreed that he was never allowed to open it inside again. So he was forced to sit outside glaring at the golden egg that was currently the bane of his existence. He was so entranced that he never noticed a certain redhead sneaking up on him until it was too late.

"Rictusempra." the voiced whispered from behind him. Faster then he could react the spell hit him forcing him to roll around laughing. It only lasted a few seconds as his attacker had decided to let him live.

"What the hell." Harry mumbled. Looking around he spotted the familiar red hair that belonged to Weasley's everywhere. Upon closer look he realized that it was Charlie. "That was not funny Charlie." he said as he got to his feet his hand inching closer to his wand.

"I don't know I thought that it was rather funny." and with that the two began to through spell after childish spell at each other. There were ones that made you itch in uncomfortable places, and others that made your hair purple with lots of personality (It came to life and started cursing like a sailor.). Many spells were exchanged and neither even attempted to dodge, the whole point of the game being who had the craziest spell. Unfortunately as most know experience wins 99% of the time and this was no exception as Charlie hit Harry with an obscure curse that made his second head come to life and start to make obscure comments about every girl he knew (he was fine with it until it started to talk about McGonagall.)(1). After being forced to admit defeat in order to get his little friend back to normal the two fell to the ground laughing.

"Where did you learn that one?" Harry asked as the two finally settled down.

"Actually I found it here at Hogwarts. There is a book in the library." Charlie's face scrunched up in concentration. "I can't remember who wrote it though." he shrugged and look out over the lake.

"I'm gonna have to find it then. So what are you doing here. I thought that with the first challenge done you would get the hell out of here." Harry asked as he resumed glaring at the egg.

"Just here to make sure that you are okay. I mean you are in one of the most dangerous tournaments in the world. Can't be easy on you." he replied as he looked at the egg as well. "Any idea who put your name in the goblet?"

"I got a few ideas." he replied as he kicked the egg into the water. Unfortunately there was a strong undercurrent and it carried the egg away. Cursing Harry sprang up and dove into the water. Charlie realising what was about to happen laughed. Of course the boy who lived would be able fluke his way through this.

After a few minutes Harry resurfaced and cast a few charms to dry himself off. One look at his face told Charlie that he know knew the second clue. Neither said anything about it for a few minutes.

"As far as your concerned I figured it out through meticulous research and hard work." Harry told Charlie.

"Sure thing Captain." He smirked and both knew that this was blackmail material for the next few years. "So as I was asking before any clue as to who it was?"

"Well if I were to think like a Magical person. Then chances are it was Karkaroff. But if I were using something foreign to all magical persons then it is likely to be the new DADA teacher Mad Eye."

"Why would it be Mad Eye." Charlie asked looking at his young friend sceptically.

"Well when you think about all the past DADA teachers there has been something wrong with each of them. Then there was the fact that he knew exactly how to bypass the Goblet and he just feels weird."

"Well I can give you the first part but the second could simply be because he was a top auror. And he is a personal friend of Albus Dumbledore..."

"A man who has constantly shown that he is not as aware as he should be. I mean you would think that with all that has happened in the past three years alone that he would put up more protection than a simple age line. There should have been an unbiased guard. Like a ghost or portrait. Something that only he would know about."

"I guess your right. So what are you going to do about it? I mean if it is him someone needs to know."

"Who would believe me. I am simply a little kid. No I will simply have to be happy with trying my hardest to stay alive in the tournament. And with that I shall be off to learn how to breath under water. Cya later Charlie." And with that he got up grabbed his now solved puzzle and headed back towards the castle. Charlie simply watched him disappear. Then after getting bored with that got up and headed towards the ward line.

"I wonder what Tonks is up to." He whispered to himself. Then deciding that it was always better jump in without all the details turned and apparated away. A few seconds Harry could have sworn that he just heard Charlie thanking all the gods that were for the invention of showers.


	2. Drinking to Death

Harry was a wreck and everyone knew it. Though for some reason no one was trying to do anything to help. They just let him stew in his own juices all because of a few choice words from Albus Dumbledore. He had told them that Harry was a strong person and simply needed to be left alone so that he could grieve. This was of course the last thing that he wanted. He was afraid. He hadn't heard word from any of his so called 'friends' and this both angered and depressed him greatly. It angered him because they were suppose to be his friends and in his greatest time of need they were abandoning him and it depressed him because he was afraid that they had realized that he was a danger to be around. He didn't to even want to think that his friends might leave him but with the total silence from everyone he had doubts.

What our young hero did not know was that there was a certain group who did not believe that Dumbledore knew that he was doing. Sure he may be a genius when it came to war, strategy and manipulating people. But when it came to children he was blind. Especially when it came to their happiness. It was because of this that said group made up of three wizards and a witch slowly made their way to Number Four Privet drive. They didn't stop to knock knowing that they would not be welcome. They never bothered to introduce themselves as they made their way to the stairs past the living room. They were on a mission to cheer up Harry Potter and nothing would get in their way... well almost nothing. You see the stairs at Number Four privet were mostly normal except for the second last one. The second last one was a tricky stair. Normally a person who had good balance would have no problems with it, unfortunately the one and only witch of the group was known for her clumsiness and as soon as her foot hit the step she mysteriously lost her balance and fell quite loudly down the staircase.

This was of course all the Harry needed. He had been on edge ever since the night at the ministry and was waiting for someone to come after him. As soon as he heard the person falling down the stairs he threw on his invisibility cloak, he had taken to hiding it under his pillow. Completely forgetting about his wand he opened the door and threw himself at the first person that he had seen. This person of course was one Bill Weasley who having many smaller brothers was use to such surprise attacks. Instinctively he looped his arm under the younger and invisible persons arm and proceeded to throw him to the ground with a simple but effective take down. It was only after he had his wand out and pointed in the general direction of the invisible person did he finally realize what was happening.

"Harry what the hell do you think you're doing you scared the living hell out of me." he replied getting up off the younger boy. He looked back to see Mundugus Fletcher helping Nymphadora Tonks back up the stairs, careful to avoid the trick step. He also saw Alastor Moody leaning against the railing with a slight smile on his face. Whether that was because of what Harry had done or from Tonks falling no one would ever know.

"Bill?" the bodiless voice asked. It was then that Bill reached up and grabbed the cloak surrounding his captive and pulled it away to reveal the wary face of the boy-who-lived. "What the hell are you guys doing here?" he asked as Bill helped him to his feet.

"We're here to make sure that you are happy and not stewing away in your own sorrow." Bill replied. He looked over the railing to see the Dursleys eying them all with a little fear and a lot of hatred. "Come on lets get into your room before we end up hurting your _Family_" Harry could literally feel the hatred coming from Bill as he said that last word. He knew how important family was to all Weasley's so this didn't really surprise him. Though it didn't stop him from showing them to his room in the hopes of avoiding a confrontation. He had no doubt that the witch and wizards would be able to defend themselves from the Dursleys but he was afraid of what Dumbledore would say to them being here. He didn't know for sure that he was ordered to be left alone but he had guessed as much.

As soon as they made it into his tiny room the three wizards pulled out their wands and started to expand the place so that there was enough room for all of them. They then transfigured some broken toys into chairs and took a seat. Harry joined them wondering what they were going to do.

"Alright so what exactly do you have planned?" Harry asked wanting to know why they were there. He got that they were there to cheer him up but he had no idea how they were going to go about doing that.

"Simple. You see we are all in jobs where it is not altogether uncommon to see someone that you like die. So naturally we know how best to come to terms with this. There really is only one universal way to do it." Bill said motioning to Dung who promptly pull something from his jacket. As soon as Harry saw it he knew what was going to happen. They were here to get him drunk.

"What Bill is trying to say is that sometimes it is best to let everything out and to talk about it. Of course what with you being such a manly man according to Dumbledore we decided that the best way to get you to talk would be to loosen your tongue a little. So it was we either got you drunk off your ass or we got you a hooker." Tonks said trying to ignore the snickers coming from the rest.

"It was close at first mate. We were like this close to getting you a real classy broad." Dung said holding his fingers barely apart. He then handed Harry a full bottle of Tequila, who eyed the bottle suspiciously. "Well lets get this party started." and with that he opened his own bottle and took a long swig. Harry wanting to live up to his reputation quickly took a drink as well. While he was use to Odgen's Old Firewhisky this was a lot stronger and burned as it went down. He was barely able to stop himself from coughing. The three looked at him with an impressed look. Not many could drink it strait and not cough half of it back up.

"Cheers." Moody said as he pulled out his own bottle from somewhere on his person and took a long drink as well. The other two were quick to do the same and soon the night was lost in a swirl of drinking a small period of mourning for lost ones and a lot of story telling from the three elders.

….

It had been three weeks since that night. The night that Voldemort had attempted to get the old man to kill the thorn in his side known as Harry Potter. He had been surprised when the boy had thrown him out of his body but that feeling was quickly replaced by pain. It had taken two weeks for him to get back to normal, and another week before he was plotting his next plan. But he was ready know. All he needed was a little information from his nemesis.

He quickly delved into his mind. Even he had to admit the place was repulsive. While he liked to maim and kill he did not like messes. His fortress was constantly being cleaned by his followers. It was all they were worth to him. Nothing but a bunch of slaves barely worthy of cleaning his lair. Pushing those thoughts aside he quickly set out for what he was looking for. The link between himself and Harry. Opening it he looked through. As soon as he did he felt something wash over him. At first he thought that he was under attack but soon all thoughts left him.

He felt confused and disoriented. Retreating from the link he looked around. He knew that he was in his mind and being disgusted with the state of things set out to clean it. As he was picking through his memories he came upon something that he had once read. It was a book written by his ancestor Salazar Slytherin. It told of the secrets of Hogwarts. When he had first read it it sounded preposterous. But now that he thought about it it made perfect sense. With that in mind he set out to find his target.

….

Hogwarts was quiet during the summer months. This made everyone in the castle happy. Most of the teachers stayed at the castle in to over the summer months to work on lesson plans and to upgrade the defenses. Dumbledore was of course one of these people. He was currently standing on the front steps reinforcing the door when he felt a presence behind him. No amount of practice or skills would prepare him for what happened next. As he turned around he came face to face with the Dark Lord. But there was something off about him. He was not as cold as normal. If he had to guess he would have to say that he looked almost Giddy. Then it hit him. Voldemort had kicked him as hard as he could between the legs. Eyes wide Dumbledore crumpled to the ground holing himself mouth opened in a silent scream.

"Ha take that old man." Voldemort said as he started to enter the castle. Just as he reached the door Dumbledore heard the scariest thing he had ever heard, a giggle. The Dark Lord was giggling. Unfortunately before he could give his warning he passed out from the pain. A man as old as him was not equipped to handle the pain that he was in.

….

Harry awoke the next morning with a massive headache. He remembered most of last night, at least until he had reached the second bottle then everything turned into a blur. As he made a checklist of his body he felt something move in his arms. He was afraid to know what it was. He knew that it was human and knew that he had his arms wrapped around it. He also knew that the only ones in the room with him were three guys and a shape shifter and there was a one in four chance that the person in his arms was said shape shifter. He didn't like those odds. Slowly opening his eyes his face was filled with red hair. Fearing the worst he jumped back slamming against the wall. It was then that he heard it. The person lying next to him was giggling. Then just as he was about to snap the body rolled over to reveal the half naked form of Nymphadora Tonks.

"That was not funny Tonks. For a minute there I thought that you were Bill." he said as he settled down. Tonks simply continued to laugh as she positioned herself in his lap. "So what is the plan for today?" he asked after getting over his frustration. The fact that he had a beautiful witch sitting in his lap definitely helped with that.

"Iunno. My plan is to wait here for Dumbledore to show up and give me hell for what we did." she said closing her eyes and relaxing in Harry's embrace. Harry looked around and noticed the other three were gone. He remembered them leaving sometime last night for some sort of emergency. Just then there was a loud pop outside his window signaling that someone had apparated in.

"Harry." the person yelled from the back yard. Harry opened the window and noticed Bill doubling over in laughter.

"What?" he asked. Obviously bill was not here to tell him that Dumbledore was about to charge in and lock him in a dungeon for what he did.

"I don't know how we did it but somehow we killed Voldemort." those words stunned Harry into silence. Tonks who was standing behind gasped and almost fainted.

"What the hell do you mean we killed Voldemort." Harry asked after a few seconds. He was having problems believing what he was hearing. Instead of answering Bill made for the back door intent on coming up. "Uhh Tonks you might want to put some clothes on Bill is coming up."

The door opened just as Tonks finished putting on her pants. Bill smiled seeing this but didn't say anything about it. He was simply happy that Harry was happy.

"So what the hell are you talking about we killed Voldemort?" Harry asked after sitting on the bed. Tonks sat down next to him and he placed his arm around her shoulder.

Bill then proceeded to tell them how Voldemort had single handedly stormed the castle. How he had defeated Dumbledore with a swift kick to the nuts, this of course caused both Harry and Tonks to laugh. He then told them about how he had fought his way to the astronomy tower without killing a single person and proceeded to jump off it.

The three of them sat there in silence for all of four seconds before they proceeded to laugh themselves stupid. According to what everyone said they had determined that he was obviously drunk when he did this. Obviously old Tommy had been trying to look into Harry's thoughts last night when somehow Harry's state of inebriation transferred over to him. This caused them to laugh even harder.

….

It had been thirteen years since the death of the Dark Lord. Harry couldn't have been happier. No one else had died fighting a losing battle. No one questioned how he died. The only ones that knew the truth was a few members of the order. The rest had heard that Harry had defeated him which while true was not the the whole thing.

Since the death of the Dark Lord Harry had been living a happy life. He had dated Tonks for a few months before he finally settled down with the least likely of people Luna Lovegood. Recently he had taken it upon himself to find all of Voldemort's old hideouts. He hand found a lot of them and a year ago he had found something very interesting. At the last base there was a library with some of the darkest books that could be found. This was not strange, they had found several libraries in there hunts. What was interesting was one of the books there. Apparently it was written by Salazar Slytherin. It took Harry all of five seconds to see the truth. It wasn't written by Salazar. It was written by him. Somehow Harry had written the book and sent it back in time. Since that day he and his lovely wife had been searching for a way to send it back in their spare time. He didn't know why but he knew that it was up to him to do this. Luckily it was Luna who discovered it. She had invented a way to send the book back in time.

They had just finished the spell and were now settling down to a nice dinner when Luna asked him how he knew that he had written the book. She wasn't questioning him she was simply curious.

"Thats easy. I noticed that at the bottom of each page was the name of the Tequila that I had drank that night."

AN

This is really a joke. I was really bored and decided to write this. It had been on my mind for a while. Thanks and don't forget to review. XD


	3. The Nargles Made Me Do It

A/N This is a oneshot that I thought of and I thought would be really cool.

The Nargles made me do it.

It was two weeks into the sixth year and Hermione was sitting in her chair in front of the Gryffindor fire reading a book. In the corner was Harry and Ron playing chess. There were others around the room. She could see Neville and Ginny trying to eat each others tongue in the chair behind the clueless Ron. With the twins gone Dean and Seamus had started to become their official liaison's inside Hogwarts and were in another corner trying (and failing) to secretly sell some pranks. To her it was just another Saturday in the Gryffindor common room. That is until Luna showed up.

The door to the common room shot open and in stepped Luna carrying a bat that she should by no means even be able to lift. She gracefully walked over to the corner that Ron and Harry were playing chess in and before anyone could so much as make a noise swung the bat and connected quite forcefully with the side of Ron's head. Ron didn't even get a chance to scream as his entire chair tumbled to the side. Luckily for Ron Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Neville all grabbed the bat as Luna brought it back for another swing that would have likely ended all chances he would have had at kids.

"Luna why did you just hit Ron with a bat." Hermione asked. She knew that it would be best to try and remain calm with Luna as it took a lot of concentration to try and understand what she was talking about.

"The Nargles told me to do it. Though I am not sure why. They just said that it would be cool if I could join in on the Ron bashing for once." she replied her eyes filled with honesty. No one had expected this. Even those that knew Luna were not expecting this though now that they thought about it they probably should have.

"Luna how many times do I have to tell you that Nargles are not real." Hermione stated as she realized that she was the only one in the room that had enough sense at the moment to form a complete sentence.

"About the same number of times that I have told you that just cause you can't hear them doesn't mean that they are not real." she said as she let go of the bat. The bat which everyone now knew weighed roughly twenty pounds dropped to the ground with a resounding 'thud'.

"Alright fine Luna assuming that they are real. What pray tell are they?" she asked not expecting to get an even somewhat logical answer to her question.

"You mean I haven't told you before. Hmm I was positive that I had. Oh well never mind that. Nargles are what we call 'Fan fiction writers'. And they told me that it should join them in some Ron bashing. Amongst other things." and with that she grabbed Harry and dragged him out of the common room.

It took Hermione a full five minutes to realize that her best friend had just been forcefully dragged from the room by a girl that had just leveled her other friend with a baseball bat. She then preceded to race after them completely forgetting about her 'other friend' who was now bleeding on the maroon rug in the common room. It took her another ten minutes to find Luna walk out of an unused classroom alone and smiling. Fearing the worst she ran into the room and found it completely empty. She charged back down the hallway after Luna who was now on her way to the great hall with yet another smaller baseball bat.

"Luna what did you do to Harry?" she asked worried that he was dying in a classroom. And with the number of classrooms inside the school. It would be impossible to find him.

"I simply gave him a few tips on how to defeat Voldemort." the young blond casually answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Though with Luna it probably was. "And now I am going to do what the Nargles asked me to do next." and with that she kicked open the doors to the great hall. She was about to take a step in when she stopped and appeared to listen to some one. Turning back to Hermione she placed her bat on the ground. Placed a hand on each of her cheeks and pulled her down into a passionate kiss. Hermione didn't know what was happening for as soon as Luna's lips touched hers everything dissolved around her. Wrapping her arms around the younger witch she deepened the kiss. Luna could feel the need that was in Hermione's lips and decided that for a first kiss this one was amazing. Making a mental note to do this again she pulled away from Hermione and smiled.

"Well Hermione I must say that the Nargles are right about you." she smiled as she picked up her bat. "Would you like to join me in some Dumbledore bashing?" she asked.

Hermione just stared at her as she realized that she had just been kissed by another girl in front of the entire great hall. The surprising part was that she liked it. She simply smiled as she summoned her own bat. "Sure." And with that both girls made their way towards the head table.

…

Meanwhile in the Riddle manor Harry had decided that he should take Luna's advice. He wasn't sure why but it was almost as if there was a small voice in his head telling him that she was right. He shrugged it off as he hit yet another Death Eater with the butt of his SAR-87. Why he had chosen this rifle he didn't know but he liked it. So far with the helps of Fawkes and his invisibility cloak he had made it inside the Manor and to the 'throne room' without firing a single shot or alerting anyone. He wasn't sure how he had done it but he was pretty sure that it was thanks to his inexplicable dumb luck.

After taking a few calming breaths he threw off his cloak and kicked in the door to the main room. There in the room were the three people that he wanted to see the most. Sitting in his throne was Tom Riddle and kneeling at his feet were none other than Peter Pettigrew and Bellatrix Lestrange. Without even waiting for the welcome that he knew wasn't coming her opened fire and within twenty seconds had emptied the entire contents of his magically enhanced clip into the three now dead figures. Instantly he felt a powerful burst of magic and a weight that he never knew he had was lifted off his shoulders. He could hear the screams of pain of all the Death Eaters that he had left in the hallways as the same magic that had washed over him washed over them burning them thanks to their connection through the dark mark.

Having completed his mission he loaded a new clip and with a thought summoned Fawkes to take him back to Hogwarts a new man. He arrived in the entrance to the great hall to witness one of the weirdest sights he had ever seen. In the corner was half of the students trying unsuccessfully trying to back away from the two witches that he recognized as Hermione and Luna kissing each other with a liberal amount of both tongue and groping. At the same time he could see the teachers had gathered around what he could only believe to be Albus Dumbledore. It appeared as if a troll had decided to play cricket with his face. At the same time he could see Snape writhing in pain holding what he assumed to be his to be dark mark. He simply shrugged this off as some sort of weird wizarding custom that was preformed after the defeat of every dark lord. He sat down and grabbed a roll tearing off a chunk as he began to wonder what he would do with his life now that the dark lord was dead and gone.

"Harry." he turned to look at the face of his best friend as she and what he could only assume to be her new girlfriend sat down on either side of him. "Harry me and Luna have talked it over and we decided that we would put aside our differences and work together to ensure that you are happy for the rest of your life."

"That being said would you like to join us for a nice romp up in the Room of Requirement." Luna stated with no regards to the subtlety that Hermione had been trying to use earlier. It was at this point that harry realized that both of the girls had latched onto him and were staring at him with undisguised lust in their eyes. Harry simply sighed as he stood and escorted his two... girlfriends. Yeah his two girlfriends up to the room of requirement. He wondered what Ron was up to before he realized that he would not be getting any sleep that night.


End file.
